Let me begin by first providing you with a general rule I’d like you to keep in mind while reading this.
I ain’t no bitch. I’m a man. I know who I am. I am not scared of anything.
And might I suggest, if applicable to your callous outlook on intimacy and sexual etiquette, that you please stand your lil’ dumb ass up, walk to the nearest mirror, look deeply into your sorry excuse for a human soul and out loud say, “I don’t like cuddling, because I’m a monster.”
Go ahead, we’ll wait.
Oh, that’s right, I’m cuddling right now. It’s absolutely wonderful. She’s just laying on my chest (my computer on her head) and the cuteness overload literally makes me want to jump in front of a car and get hit so hard I lose my memory and forget how to speak English and have to get transported to another country where I’m forced to learn the native language and once I’m medically cleared to leave the hospital, somehow meet up with her and cuddle, just to see if it feels the same. So many #emotions. (Please see the general rule above).
What is wrong with you people? What don’t you like about getting real close, cuffing a boobie or nibbling on an ear or grabbing a sweaty butt cheek, then whispering delicious things like: “Yo, I don’t know if you heard, but your ass be crazy,” or “Hey, what you did to me earlier was real nice, thank you for that,” or “Ima cuddle you so hard you gon’ be walkin’ with a limp all week.” Come on man, don’t neglect the girl. Who do you think you are? You think you too cool to cuddle?
You think you can just get all up in her with ya pee pee and ride out? You a god damn monster!
BRO, CUDDLE DAT GIRL, I MEAN MY GOD. She’s just trying to get her booty rubbed on. What is the big deal? What happened to you? You used to be a nice guy, now you can’t even hold her for a minute? What you in a rush for? Oh, you want to go to McDonald’s by yourself? Man get your ass in bed and grab some torso.
You’re all a bunch of shitheads.
But I promise I’m not here to talk about how millennials are so concerned with making sure they exude this alpha apathy at all times and are completely consumed by these little games they think they have to play while completely over analyzing the symbolic implications of any genuine display of affection. I’ll let some chick on Thought Catalog write on that.
I just find it difficult to grasp the fact that people don’t get as excited about cuddling as I do. I do it for purely selfish reasons. It’s for me, it ain’t for her. I know women sometimes need the reassurance that we’re not just using them for sex and if that’s what this cuddle sesh provides, then so be it, but this is my shit. (Please see the general rule above).
Y’all are so sour. So what your arm gets a little numb? So what you get some hair in your mouth? So what you sweat a little bit? IT’S A CUDDLE PUDDLE, BABY, ENJOY THAT SHIT YOU DOIN’ A BEAUTIFUL ASS THING.
I mean, look at this girl just holding onto your forearms for safety while you squeeze her like you a big warm silver back gorilla, letting her know everything is going to be okay.
It’s all so damn beautiful.
WHEN SHE PLAYS WITH MY HAIR AND DRAGS HER FINGERTIPS ACROSS MY SKIN GIVING ME THOSE GOOSEBUMPS. AW SHIT.
WHEN SHE SMUSHES HER HEAD ON YOU LIKE A LIL’ IDIOT. LIKE ITS TOO HEAVY FOR HER TO KEEP UP STRAIGHT. I CAN’T.
WHEN HER CHIN ROTATES AND HER NOSE SQUISHES ON YOUR CHEEK AND THEN HER FOREHEAD BARRELS INTO YOUR HEAD. OUCH AND YES.
WHEN SHE BE PLAYIN’ PEEK A BOO WITH THE COVERS. LIKE BITCH WHERE DID YOU GO? LMAO DAMN THERE YOU ARE. THAT WAS SCARY AND THAT WAS CUTE.
WHEN SHE ROLLS OVER AND BARRELS HER BUTT INTO YOU AND PLAYS DEAD. LIKE IS YOU DEAD?
WHEN SHE STROKES YOUR BACK UNTIL YOU FALL ASLEEP. LIKE EXCUSE ME ARE YOU GOD?
WHEN SHE DOES THOSE LITTLE TOUCHES ON YOUR FACE AND PUTS HER FINGERS IN YOUR NOSE ETC.
WHEN SHE DOES THOSE SNEAK ATTACK KISSES. LOL R U CRAZY?
I can’t be the only guy who gets this excited about cuddling. I mean come on guys, treat yourself to some dessert. Who cares what you think cuddling represents or if it makes you feel like less of a man? That’s stupid. Don’t be a monster. Be a good guy. Even if it makes you a little sick inside. Just hold her, bro. Think about what she just let you do to her. That was nice of her, wasn’t it? She didn’t have to let you do that.
Now sh-sh-sh-shut your mouth. And go cuddle dat girl. Right now.
Please refer to the general rule above.