My god. Have I finally reached that age I used to optimistically procrastinate about when I was 20? That age I would always refer to in hypothetical conversations about when it would be time to really mature and put my undergraduate social habits behind me? (Or at least bury them in a time capsule underground outside of a dorm room and come back with the boys 20 years later and ingest all of it and have the greatest night of all time.) We all have that horrific benchmark that represents the point in our lives where we feel we should really begin considering long-term relationships, and naturally, it’s a little frightening. Whether its 26, 27, 28 or 39 (psycho), those years are either here or very soon approaching.
Some of our friends are even getting married and we’re just sitting here on a date with the least disfigured looking chick we could find in law school, with our phone under the table desperately swiping right on Tinder until our account gets shutdown and we can finally kill ourselves. Just kidding about the death, but the anxiety that goes with such romantic uncertainty as we slowly approach 30 is undeniable.
The idea that we haven’t even met the person we’re going to (try to) spend the rest of our life with is sometimes equally as depressing as the idea that he or she is one of the people we actually already know. Christ, could you imagine? I’ve seen half the girls I know blackout and wake themselves up with their own farts and say something like “the Nazis are coming!”
But why are we panicking? Why do we feel the need to rush something that is so important? Unless you need marriage to prevent you from getting deported, just relax.
Because in all likelihood, you’re not ready.
Think for a minute about the person you are right now. Not who you aspire to be in 10 years, not how you’re perceived to be via Instagram. Just the facts. If you didn’t come to the conclusion that you’re a huge piece of shit, then you probably need to once more go through your laundry list of unfulfilled promises, belated birthday texts and failed relationships until you come to that conclusion. Go on. No, no, sending a public Venmo transfer to your swoop for half of the cost of Plan B with caption reading “1/2 the cost of Plan B” doesn’t defeat the fact that you used olive oil as an anal lubricant with partial success, only to never see her again until you walked past her and her friend’s senior year on the way to the library.
And, to piggy back off that (anal pun), that you also thought giving your mother an opened bottle of olive oil for her birthday (yep, that one) was equally intuitive.
You’re not mature. You’re not ready.
It’s okay to not be ready yet. You can’t go settling for a relationship because you can’t handle societies pressures. Don’t get yourself into a relationship you have no business being in. You’ll not only find yourself doing things that loving couples shouldn’t do, but you’ll enjoy those things — like plugging your fingers in bae’s nose when she is snoring until the air fills up in her mouth and she coughs and wakes herself up. As you laugh at her and say “if you don’t stop, I don’t stop.”
That person (wasn’t me) isn’t ready.
If you were at the bar and went up to a girl and rubbed your fingers together over her drink like you were drugging her and said, “Either we fuckin’, or I’m fuckin’.” And then said, “Haha I’m jp, I’m Jay good to meet you.”
You’re not ready.
If, while you’re putting your pants back on after sex, you say something like:
…then dude, you ain’t ready.
If you claim to never have washed your lower body in the shower, but rather “just let the soap trickle down.” Until that type of approach to hygiene is forgotten, you ain’t ready.
If you get your pickup lines from “The Rock,” you’re probably not ready.
“Hey babe what’s your name?”
“Hi, My name is Ash-“
“IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT YOUR NAME IS!”
Most of us in our early to late twenties possess some of these behaviors in some way, shape or form. Whether you find yourself continuously apologizing to loved ones you’ve painfully annoyed by way of “I know you are but what am I” comebacks, or simply don’t have the maturity required to truly give yourself to someone you love, it’s okay. Be that person. But just don’t thrust yourself into a relationship because you just think it’s time to do it.
There are too many bad relationships out there. And even the small ones can leave lasting effects. So don’t even bother unless you’re ready. Just wait. Be patient. I promise you the girl of your dreams is not being swept off her feet. She’s probably blowing four guys at a TGIF because her horoscope told her to “be adventurous!”
So relax, the love of your life ain’t going nowhere unless it’s to get a glass of water and a piece of bread and to ask her master to loosen the chains a bit.
I ain’t ready. We ain’t ready. Enjoy it while it lasts.