Yes, you are just an app, however it seems that I’m not the only one who has trouble comprehending that.
When suffering from Severe Boredom Syndrome, there’s really only one solution — time to Instagram. Yes, it is a thing, and yes, it’s time to restlessly scroll through my camera roll looking for SOMETHING, ANYTHING that could be Insta-worthy.
The more scrolling I did, the more I was reminded that the excitement of my week (my summer) was my dog chasing his tail around the living room. If I Instagram my dog one more time, I swear people will think we are in a serious committed relationship.
Unable to find the perfect Insta, I decided to move on with my day and get some ice cream. As I sat alone scrolling through picture after picture, I realized that this was the perfect opportunity to take one for the team (and by team I mean myself) and asked a little girl walking by if I could borrow her ice cream to take a picture.
I would’ve taken pictures of my own ice cream, but I’m pretty sure my sprinkles were way too boring for the Instagram world. Despite the fact that this little girl looked at me like I was speaking another language and/or from another planet, she hesitantly obliged.
…Keep in mind the picture above required a full-on photo shoot, which led this perfectly good ice cream to melt before I realized my life is truly pathetic. The little girl will understand someday.
**Instagram posted at 3:45 p.m**
@Instagram: let me just share with you the stages of emotional distress you cause when posting a picture.
Stage 1: The Pathetic Stage
Okay, its 3:46 p.m. and I have three likes. It’s been exactly a minute. Do I delete this and post it later? Who am I kidding, I did that twice already. Were my editing skills that atrocious that no one liked it? Can’t be. I used 10 different apps to get that perfect effect. Ugh, I knew that I didn’t increase the contrast enough, or was it the brightness? What was I thinking?! Oh, I get it maybe it was the caption? But I asked 15 different people and they all liked the caption. Okay, fine, I’ll give it time.
Looking back on it, it’s truly pathetic that I wasted 10 minutes taking pictures of someone else’s ice cream (and letting it melt in the process) just to get that “perfect Insta” (photos is plural because this was a genuine paparazzi photo shoot).
But really, should I try deleting and uploading again? Third time’s the charm???
Stage 2: The Desperate Stage
So desperate times call for desperate measures, right? Update: We’re up to 11 likes at 5 minutes. I don’t just want more likes, I NEED more. Lets see…
Before I could even finish typing the word “likes,” all I see is actual advice on how to get more likes, how to become “Insta famous,” how to get likes for free, etc. As I’m sitting here contemplating what the world has come to, I am also in the midst of downloading three different apps to get more likes. Again, desperate.
140 likes later…
Feeling satisfied ✓
Stage 3: The “I’m Pathetic And Desperate But Also Very Satisfied” Stage:
Well, now that we got that out of the way, we’re back on track and feeling #popular. Then it hit me, THAT’S why I didn’t get enough likes — I didn’t have an obnoxious amount of hashtags.
Thankfully the #like4like and #follow4follow hashtags that I did use was successful in getting a couple of likes and follows from a guy named “Don Juan Agapito.” As if his name wasn’t sketchy enough, he then proceeded to comment on my Instagram, “I would like to invite you out to a night club for FREE entry and FREE drinks. Please call me.”
Maybe next time, DJ.
But as for those other hash tags I didn’t use this time around, I guess there’s always my food at dinner. And don’t worry, if it’s not my own food, I’ll take a picture of anyone’s food at the table that looks #instaworthy. Yes, they know they’re not allowed to eat until I take a picture first. It’s called manners.
So @Instagram, remember — behind that perfectly good looking ice cream with chocolate chips and marshmallows with a perfectly good view in the background, is a girl sitting patiently, waiting for her likes. You are a perfect example of what technology has done to the world today, keeping society so invested in who posted what, who liked what, who has the most likes, and so much more.
Behind that picture someone posted is 10 different effecting apps, 15 different opinions on whether or not it’s “Insta- worthy,” and someone who may or may not be going through the 3 stages you cause.
In the end, thanks for making me feel like a stranger’s beautiful ice cream that dripped through each and every finger was worth it. #icecream #melting #instalove
Final Update: 171 likes.