After The Final Rose: How We Imagine JoJo and Jordan’s Life Will Unfold

Becca Van Sambeck
Becca is a recent Fordham grad, a former German beer hall girl, and a new Brooklyn resident who used to read the dictionary for fun as a kid. She has only gotten slightly less lame since then. She loves pugs, chicken fingers, reading and Game of Thrones.

This week, we received confirmation of what we’ve known since the very first episode: Jordan Rodgers is the latest winner of The Bachelorette.

While our far-from-favorite failed quarterback always came off as more of a Prince Hans than a Kristoff (“Frozen” references still work in 2016, right?), he managed to steal JoJo’s heart away from the competition.

 

Though the two are now engaged and claim they are happy, we think this is what their future will look like:

1. “Babe, you’re sure Aaron won’t come to Thanksgiving?!” JoJo asks, slowly realizing she’s made a very big mistake.

2. Jordan flirts with the waitress. Every time they go out.

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3. Jordan maintains a Tinder account he uses “just to see if any of my friends’ girlfriends are on it.”

4. JoJo goes out with her friends all the time, but each night ends with her crying in the bathroom about Jordan’s behavior and the drama he brings. It would be sad, except she loves the drama.

5. Aaron RSVPs “no” to the wedding. JoJo tries to cope with the fact that Olivia Munn won’t be coming to her wedding.

6. JoJo and Jordan set up the most Instagram-able wedding photo shoot of all time, but things go south when JoJo goes to lovingly stroke his hair. She musses up his perfectly pompadoured ‘do, and Jordan refuses to go on. Instead, JoJo posts on Instagram a generic true love quote because “engagement shoots are tacky and over-the-top.”

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7. JoJo starts internet stalking Robby and his new girlfriend, screenshotting pictures and asking her friends if she’s skinnier than her.

8. Jordan gets wasted on New Year’s and pukes on JoJo’s shoes. It turns out he is not such a fun New Year’s Eve date after all, her brothers observe.

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9. JoJo and Jordan pitch a reality show to E! It’s called “Mr. and Mrs. Aaron Rodgers’ Little Brother.” The Network declines.

10. They pitch the show to Bravo. The network declines.

11. They pitch the show to Oxygen. They accept.

12. JoJo steals Jordan’s phone to pen an apology text to Aaron, but uses too many exclamation points and emojis for it to be believable.

13. Jordan leaks stories about JoJo being an alcoholic to the tabloids. Might tip his hand too far when he describes himself as “star football player and beloved TV personality, Jordan Rodgers” when he emails the scoop.

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14. Jordan aimlessly tosses a football around the yard. “Yes, I’ve still got it. I could’ve been pro,” he thinks. “I COULD’VE IF I WANTED TO.” A neighboring child catches the football and throws it to Jordan. He misses the catch.

15. JoJo picks up a sweet potato and bites into it whole, dreaming of Chad.

16. JoJo requests a wedding on the beach where they ride in on horses. She throws out the idea of attaching glittery horns to each horse’s head.

17. The wedding is called off. JoJo calls Luke, but realizes she’s too late. He’s the new “Bachelor.”

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