A Message To Any Man Considering Buying A RompHim

Jay Cross
“Far worse looking people have done it. So why can’t I?” Jake is a 22-year-old delicious man candy originally from New York and currently living in Miami Beach attending law school. He graduated from the University of Florida in 2014 and used his degree to invest in a Toyota Prius. More information about his Prius can be found on his Instagram handle: “hotguyinaprius”. He drives an Uber part time because lawyers only get paid in movies. Jake doesn’t drink often, but when he does, he prefers it be consecutively for a potentially infinite duration. Jake often drinks.


God dammit. You assholes did it again.

I take it by now you’ve heard about the RompHim. That’s right, the alpha male-certified version of the romper created by ACED design. This isn’t a joke, this is really happening and there is nothing anyone can do to stop it. It’s coming in July and nearly $200,000 has been raised to ensure the launch.

Yes, $200,000. That’s $200,000 less dollars that could have gone to, say, the Disabled Veterans Foundation or the Environmental Defense Fund or the Michael J. Fox Foundation for Parkinson’s Research.

It’s true, this is really going to happen.

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This is really going to consume your newsfeed and perhaps your personal life for the foreseeable future.

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I get it. I was called a bro by Buzzfeed once. I was about that life. But boys, I’m telling you, let.this.one.go. Everyone already hates you. You can still live a good life. If your first reaction to the RompHim was “lol, so stupid” then please, hold on to that thought. Don’t be swayed. Be strong. Because you don’t need it. It’s not for you.

Did’ya go to school at Villanova?

Did’ya go to school at UPenn?

Have y’had a receding hairline since you were 14?

Y’balding and holding onto youth? Y’wanna feel like lil’ cute baby?

Y’an investment banker and hate your life?

Y’own a MAGA hat?

Y’work in recruiting and sittin’ on $100k of debt?

Y’ever been skiing without your shirt on because you though it was raw or dope or chill?

Y’ever take a bro pic with eight of your best friends in Chubbies bathing suits?

Y’own croakies?

Y’own six pairs of Sperrys?

Y’resort to wearing a dress cause y’don’t know how to talk to girls?

Y’subscribe to Sprezzabox?

Y’subscribe to Five Four Club?

Oh Y’don’t? Then don’t wear the RompHim. Please spare us.

If you want to wear a dress, just wear a dress. It’s fine to wear a dress. But don’t pretend like this isn’t a dress. Because it is absolutely a dress. And there are plenty of dresses out there if you want a dress. And they are a lot cheaper than $119.

Omg, guys, please. We don’t need an answer to the one piece bathing suit. We don’t need an answer to the romper. There are plenty of options out there. You wanna dress like a woman, then you gonna get treated like one.

Just don’t. Unless you tryna get double cheeked up on a Thursday afternoon. In which case, go on with ya badself.


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