A Love Letter To My Prius

Jay Cross
“Far worse looking people have done it. So why can’t I?” Jake is a 22-year-old delicious man candy originally from New York and currently living in Miami Beach attending law school. He graduated from the University of Florida in 2014 and used his degree to invest in a Toyota Prius. More information about his Prius can be found on his Instagram handle: “hotguyinaprius”. He drives an Uber part time because lawyers only get paid in movies. Jake doesn’t drink often, but when he does, he prefers it be consecutively for a potentially infinite duration. Jake often drinks.

Dear Prius,

I just wanted to take the time to thank you for letting me inside you. Even though you don’t make a sound when I turn you on and throw you in reverse, I know how grateful you are when I unscrew you and fill you up from the back after extended highway driving and cranked up AC. It’s not always essential that a new chapter of one’s life begin with a marriage, or the birth of a child, or the purchase of a home in a safe, rural neighborhood. Those circumstances truly all fall within the same chapter we call misery. I refuse to be miserable; I refuse to be satisfactory.

They say a Tesla is a Prius owner’s wet dream, but I can assure you that although you make quite a frolicsome queefing sound every time I “punch” the gas pedal, I think you are very cute and you are mine and you’re not going anywhere. I brag about you to all my friends and they can’t wait to meet you and try to lift you because that’s always the first thing people try to do to you and it’s not fair to you. I promise I won’t put a “I care about your children” or “Watch out for the idiot behind me!” or “CAUTION: This vehicle stops often (at your mom’s house)” bumper sticker on you, but I hope you’ll get used to the one you’re currently wearing, which says “Just a hot guy in a Prius.”

I don’t mean to take any attention away from you, but I’m 22 years old, I’m hot and I drive a Prius and I can use the left lane in a manner that is completely convenient to everyone. It’s literally fine. SO NEXT TIME YA’ll FUEL-INNEFFICIENT KENNY CHESNEY-LOVING FREELOADERS WANT TO RIDE ME ON THE HIGHWAY BECAUSE YOU THINK IT’S FUNNY, JUST RECOGNIZE YOU’RE DEALING WITH A REAL HOT GUY WHO IS PROUD OF HIS ACCOMPLISHMENTS AND HIS FACE AND HIS AVERAGE LOOKING FRIENDS (BY FATE, NOT BY CHOICE) AND IF YOU JUST GIVE HIM 2 SECONDS HE’LL GET OVER SO YOU CAN PASS…..JESUS.

Anyway, ILYSM and look forward to many years of 50 miles to the gallon, police officers letting me off with a warning because “I probably got enough shit today,” and the continued generosity of drive thru employees throwing a couple onion rings in my french fry order as if to say “keep fighting the good fight, sir.” I couldn’t have done this without you.

– Jay

 

Image Source: Popular Mechanics

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