A Basic B*tch’s Guide To Social Media (Because Chances Are, You Are One)

Samantha Rosen
Samantha is 96.3% iced coffee, 5.7% basic girl from Long Island, and 3.2% really bad at math — how else do you think she decided she wanted to ~create content~ for a living? She's a sucker for dry humor and self-deprecating witty one-liners, and will hunt down the next person she sees that doesn't know the difference between "your" and "you're." Talk to her about her undying love of New Orleans, John Mayer, and only wearing colors that rhyme with "whack." There's also a good chance she's planning her next meal while you're reading this sentence. She has previously written for Elite Daily, Post Grad Problems, and Her Campus. Stalk her on Instagram @samantha_rosen (don't worry, she's probably stalked you, too).

There are a few telltale signs of a basic girl on social media. For starters, she posts at least once a week, because God forbid someone doesn’t know what she’s having for brunch.

Chances are she is working really hard on her Instagram aesthetic and will go out of her way to make sure that you know it. She lives and breathes by how many people watched her Snapchat story that day, even though it was just a selfie of her and her best friend with the bunny filter. She also may or may not have gone to Coachella this weekend just for the Insta. And the flash tats. Can’t forget about the flash tats.

But if you really want to take it one step further, or if you aspire to be one of those girls because you’d rather sell Fit Tea than work at your shitty office job, I present to you the Basic’s Guide to Social Media — not to be confused with the Basic Guide to Social Media. I’m not here to teach you how to log on to Facebook, Barbara.

Tenor

 

Facebook

1. Make your profile picture a picture of you in front of a graffiti wall.

Nothing says “I booked this trip to Miami solely to go to Wynwood Walls” like a ~candid~ picture in front of one of them.

 

2. Have an album titled “Post Grad” or “Not College.”

How else would we know that you’re no longer drinking out of red solo cups and eating Ramen?

 

3. Have a cover photo that is either: a) your pledge class, b) a sunset, or c) trees.

A tree? Really? You need to get out more.

 

4. Share articles that start with “An Open Letter” or end with “And Why That’s OK.”

Spoiler alert: it’s not OK.

 

Twitter

JK, Basic girls don’t use Twitter. Next.

 

Instagram

1. Have a bio that consists only of emojis, or some dumb saying like “live, laugh, love.”

Let me guess: your favorite singer is Taylor Swift.

 

2. Use captions like “this guy” or “I guess he’s OK” in pictures of you and your boyfriend.

Wow, you’ve really painted a picture over here about how much you guys love each other. I’m swooning. Bonus points if said picture is one where you have your  hand strategically resting on your boyfriend’s chest. You know the one.

 

3. Use captions like “turn down for what” or “we put the fun in dysfunctional” in pictures of you and your friends.

Honestly, I’d turn down for most things — sleep, Netflix, avoiding human contact, etc.

 

4. Say things like #blessed, but not in an ironic way.

Show a little self-awareness here, would ya?

 

5. Post a picture of your avocado toast or Starbucks cup complete with a fresh manicure. Or both.

You are a walking billboard for being basic right now. Mazel tov.

 

6. Get excited for Thursdays to post a throwback picture of you and your *bestie* on a beach somewhere.

“Ugh, take me back (to when I was 15 pounds skinnier and not sitting in an office all day)!!!!”

 

7. Upload literally anything unicorn-related.

When did we all become 5-year-olds who will only eat food if it glitters and sparkles?

 

8. Make a Boomerang and post it in your Story.

Ideally one with moving cars, drinks, or a kissy face. Don’t forget to include the geotag, or how will anyone know what intersection you’re crossing?

 

Snapchat

1. Make a video with the dog filter… and then post it to your Instagram story.

Are you trying to get your crush’s attention or…?

 

2. Post a video of you and all your friends at a pregame.

We get it — you’re trying to pretend you’re in college again. But no one cares that you just took your 5th shot of Svedka. Literally no one.

 

3. Have a filter dedicated to you for your birthday.

Taking “birthday diva” to a whoooole new level since 2016.

 

4. Include a gym selfie in your Story #fitfam.

Not today, Satan.

 

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