Happy Valentine’s Day! Or as the rest of us call it: Tuesday. If you are hoping to fill that empty void in your heart with a screening of “Fifty Shades Darker,” please let me save you $15 and two hours of your time. You’ll be happier and more satisfied purchasing a pocket vibrator from CVS.
I’m not going to write a scathing review because there are far too many of those already. Rather, please enjoy a short list of the top ten most unrealistic expectations set by the “Fifty Shades” sequel, or as I like to call it “Fifty Shades Drier.”
Though this is not part of the formal list because it happened in the first movie, let’s start by noting that this romance revolves around billionaire smokeshow Christian Grey and modest introvert Anastasia Steele AKA the 23-year-old virgin who had a mind-blowing orgasm whilst losing the aforementioned virginity. That is not fiction, that is science fucking fiction. Just ask your high school girlfriend.
1. Ana notably wearing undisturbed red lipstick throughout the entire film.
Oh, you just got out of the shower? That’s a natural looking color. Oh, you just made love to your sadist billionaire boyfriend in his childhood bedroom? Not a smudge! (We can discuss the fact that Ana never gets post-sex rat’s nest hair at a later time) You have a better chance locating one of Agent Orange’s “fraudulent voters” than you do a girl who’s ever worn red lipstick without getting it on her teeth.
2. Speaking of lipstick, Christian’s body lipstick
To avoid Christian’s “please don’t touch me” zones, he traces a roadmap across his chest in red lipstick — which he then proceeds to wear for the next eight hours. No red stains on your crisp white shirt? Removed with a single swipe of a soap free washcloth? ME THINKS NOT.
3. Ana’s not so silent elevator-gasm
While the majority of people haven’t engaged in BDSM “kinky fuckery” (direct quote from the movie) I can safely say that most of us have ridden in an elevator. When we do we can hear the other occupants’ music if not their innermost thoughts. So I ask: HOW DID NOBODY HEAR ANA LITERALLY LOSING IT IN THE BACK??? Nobody pants that hard from zero gravity.
One of the most unrealistic aspects I came across in this franchise is the fact that Ana NEVER returns the favor. Which could mean one of two things: either women are finally demanding equal pay for equal work OR I’ve just been doing this whole “dating” thing wrong.
5. Girls who drag their SOs to this movie while claiming to really love them
If you are going to see this movie, see it with the ladies. Your boyfriend wants to see this movie just about as badly as you want to see the new “Fast & The Furious.” Which I hope to Gd, is not at fucking all.
6. Christian Grey as Captain Sully
Spoiler alert: Christian, 28-year-old boy wonder, crashes his helicopter in the middle of a forest. You know, somewhere in the mountains. The cops are out looking for him, cable news channels don’t know whether he’s dead or alive and his helicopter is nowhere to be found. You get the idea.
First, it’s 2017 EVERYTHING HAS GPS. Second, he comes waltzing into his penthouse as if nothing ever happened without making a courtesy call to his grieving family and sex slave. Third, YOUR COPTER GOES DOWN IN FLAMES AND YOU SHOW UP WITHOUT SO MUCH AS A SCRATCH? This is almost as unbelievable as Ana’s deflowering. Almost.
7. Christian’s overstocked, underused Red Room
Granted, I don’t know what half of this is even used for but I would love to know why someone owns more than one spreader. Different ankle sizes? Different limb counts? Even if you used one for every extremity, that’s a max of like, four, maybe. Having them stockpiled like assault rifles in Waco wouldn’t exactly get me in the mood and I’m turned on by bacon cheeseburgers.
8. That Kim Basinger went to a plastic surgeon with an actual medical degree
Need I say more?
9. The sexual chemistry between Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan
Dakota Johnson has one of the most flawless female bodies I’ve ever seen. Jamie Dornan is a different breed of sexual specimen. Together? Not so much. He feels her up with about as much passion as your OBGYN. Honk, Honk! You know who has more believable chemistry? Kellyanne Conway and reality.
10. That there is a third fucking movie.
Mark your calendars middle-aged suburban moms! Valentine’s Day 2018. I’ll probably still see it either because I hate myself or because it gives me something to complain about besides politics.
On a positive note, the soundtrack from this movie was its saving grace. But looking for a steamy movie with subpar plot lines and underwhelming delivery to the female libido? Try Brazzers.