What happened on Sunday night in Las Vegas is hard to label. It was senseless violence. It was an act of terrorism. It calls for a discussion about mental health. It calls for a discussion about gun culture. It is time to pray and send thoughts. It is time to act.
Those of you who know me are not surprised that a tragedy like the Las Vegas shooting has brought me out of my literary hibernation. However, I ask that you hold your shock and dismay as this liberal coastal elite has something surprising to say: I am pro-gun. And I’m damn near positive after reading this, you will be too. These are five very valid reasons to own a semi-automatic weapon in 2017.
Sick of those pesky GMOs, hormones, fillers and that dreaded gluten all of your liberal friends keep warning you about? What better way to locally source your own food than by hunting and eating a defenseless wild animal? Owning a semi-auto gun means you have 30 bullets before you have to reload, meaning even the most amateur of marksmen are guaranteed a meal! (Hell—if you’ve really got shoddy aim, there’s even a 75-round magazine available.)
Economically speaking, what’s $1,000 for a run-of-the-mill semi-automatic rifle compared to all the money you’d be spending to shop at Whole Foods for your antibiotic-free poultry?
To protect yourself
By this I mean protection against any and all STDs, of course. Even if a girl manages to break through your first line of defense—your Tinder picture holding up a giant fish—AND your second—that “2nd Amendment is God’s Amendment!” bumper sticker—when she finally gets to your place and sees an assault rifle hanging above your bed, rest assured you have managed to defend yourself against venereal disease. After all, abstinence (or owning a pair of Crocs) is the safest method.
It’s your Constitutional right
No, no, not the Second Amendment, which I’m sure ALL of you know reads, “A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.” I’m talking about the First Amendment. The one that empowers gun owners across America to engage in, what I can only assume is, highly fact-based and educated discourse on their cousin’s ex-girlfriend’s little brother’s Facebook status.
If we didn’t have a country full of semi-automatic weapon owners, how would we ever know that “GUNS DON’T KILL PEOPLE, PEOPLE KILL PEOPLE”? These gun owners are the hallmark of the First Amendment. Without them, the following words of wisdom, found on America’s favorite pastime AKA the Internet, would never see the light of day:
Guns are as American as apple pie
Guns and the tradition of owning them are older than this country itself. We love paying tribute to our past. We even dedicate a day each week to the past, giving college girls across America an excuse to post an Instagram to show their followers what they looked like before they packed on the Freshman Fifteen — #TBT.
Regardless, we are, above all else, a nation of tradition. Few American institutions have lasted as long as our relationship with guns has. Slavery? These days we only have for-profit prisons. Restricting the right to vote to white, male landowners? Today, we have to go through the arduous process of gerrymandering to silence women, minorities, and the poor. Back in the day we used to bastardize children born out of wedlock. Now we just call them Kris Jenner’s grandchildren. I’ll be damned if we let the government take our guns, too! I’d rather them outlaw #TBT.
(Editor’s Note: PLEASE STOP POSTING #TBTs).
Because you have a small dick
And you can’t afford a Porsche.