1. The Bar Bathroom
This is a favorite of mine. It’s potentially the first time you’ve stood up after a long round of drinks and also your first alone time of the night. You squat over the toilet seat trying so hard not to fall and eventually give in to just sitting on the grimy bar bathroom seat. Germs don’t matter at this point. You roll off enough toilet paper to clog up the entire toilet bowl because at this point you have little to no control over your perception of “too much.” Then you take one glance at the sink and say “maybe later” and walk out. Gross, but true of 99 percent of drunk girls.
My favorite drunk moment actually happened in the bathroom at the Comedy Store in LA. I had a few and excused myself to make a quick run to the bathroom. I was unfamiliar with the layout of this place so it took me a while to find the restroom. Once I was in, I took a turn to the right and bumped into someone. “Oh my god I’m so sorry!” I said. The person I apologized to was silent. That person was me. I had bumped into myself in the reflection of a wall mirror. Classic.
2. The Dance Floor
I am a complete supporter of dancing while going out. If you’re sitting in the corner of the club taking a fucking photo shoot or snap storying a video of yourself drinking you’re one of those people who I will not be friends with. We get it. You go out.
Anyways, the dance floor is where you can look at someone and differentiate between someone letting loose or someone who is just flat out loose. The flat out loose people will always be setting themselves up for a dance circle, which they will dominate the middle of, and then most likely challenge a random to a dance off. That’s when you need to take a seat. If you’re dancing across from an older man with a beer belly, get out now! If you’re just killing it on the dance floor whilst maintaining your balance though, kudos and keep doing you.
3. Pizza Hut
Do not think I am condemning drunk eating, because I most certainly am not. But where there’s a Pizza Hut, there’s a Dominoes, and if you chose Pizza Hut over Dominoes you’re either clinically insane or blackout drunk. Harsh, but extremely true.
4. In an Uber
In this Uber ride you could be passed out while your friends repeatedly stroke your back saying, “We’re almost home. Hang in there. Does anyone have the number for Dominos?” Or if you’re awake and on your phone, you’re on Snapchat sending a pic to your ex-boyfriend with the caption “I Miss You.” If you find yourself in either of these positions, drink some water fast and find a trash bag immediately.
5. On a Walk of Shame
This one is pretty self-explanatory and consistently hilarious. One time my friend asked me to pick her up at the place she shacked the previous night. As my friend walked out of the house sporting a frat tank, boxers, and socks (heels in hand), a cute little family of four walked by. I would say the kids were about nine or ten. The father of this exemplary Middle American family kindly said to her, “Good Morning, hope you had a fun night.” Love that guy. Wish we could’ve gotten a coffee together. Seeing someone on a walk of shame is nothing but pure comedy and for that I thank you people who choose to wait until the next morning to realize that you’ve had too much to drink.