A very stupid day. We know this. The only people who really look forward to the wilted flower, pretend- happy blowjob holiday are couples who refer to themselves as “best friends.” For the rest of us, it’s spending unnecessary money on dinner, jewelry procured by enslaved women and children in conflict-ridden countries, and maybe a hotel room only to do literally the same three sex positions we always do. For me it’s the “wheelbarrow” (high risk-high reward), the “la gota fría sin cebolla” (DM me for detalles) and my new favorite, “the equal rights” (pictured below).
If you want to come as you are, you better take me as I am. No more double standards. I swear to God I’ll march.
That said, the start of 2017 has forced many of us into a state of depression and sexual indifference due to intense political discourse, which has sadly left little room for romance.
We’ve stopped exercising, started eating like shit, while approaching each day with an overarching fear that living a healthier, longer life really just means we may regretfully be alive to witness the hell-bound finale of planet earth.
Dylan isn’t wrong. But let’s put our imminent destruction aside and take it one day at a time. At least for the sake of making tomorrow remotely tolerable.
I know you’ve only got a day left. Which is actually a good thing because it means you don’t have time to order custom coffee mugs or keychains or matching clothes. It also means you’ll have to get creative. Well, actually, it means I’ll have to get creative.
Lol ya’ll thieves.
But trust me, this a good thing. I’m happy you’re here. So is your significant other. I’m not going to sit here and tell you the traditional gifts and gestures will go unappreciated, but truly, nothing says “aw fuck I forgot about Valentines Day” like chocolate, flowers and jewelry. You’re better than that. You’ve been an irritable bowel all year and this is a great opportunity to give your relationship the colonic irrigation it so desperately needs.
1. Handwritten Things
Make your own card. Use your own words. Or use this 10-year-old’s.
It’s never too early to start saving for child support.
2. You’re Cooking At Home
It’s Monday, you’re not getting a reservation at a decent place. But listen to me you piece of shit, it’s not too late to make this work. You’ve got a lot of options. But it’s all about effort. Peep the spread below.
Bitch, do you see this? This a hot damn grilled cheese buffet AF. Yep, that’s Boston Market mac and sheesh, that’s Wendy’s spicy nuggets and that’s BK onion rings.
I’d explain the rest to ya’ll but guess what, your boy typed up a cute ass menu too.
Full disclosure, we did break up a couple months later but don’t let that deter you. Daddy killed it that night.
While it’s my personal opinion that cooking is an incredibly romantic gesture, if you do have dinner plans already, you still have an opportunity to be extra s’cute. Is your man or your woman a bit childish? Then I highly recommend surprising them with a packed lunch. Not a sandwich, not a salad. I’m talkin’ lunchables. I’m talkin’ gourmet ass lunchables. Get some expensive crackers, some expensive cheese, cut that shit up into squares, get some fire deli meat, get a lil’ Ghirardelli chocolate situation and a legit Capri-Sun. No need to substitute for that.
You probably think I’m stupid, maybe I am. Maybe it’ll be a disaster. But just saying, if I woke up in the morning with a note that said “enjoy your lunchables you stupid idiot” I swear I would melt.
3. A Massage
By you! At your home! Who would have thought you’d be referring to your slick ass kindergarten self for Valentine’s Day 20 years later? BRUH, I’m telling you, make a freakin’ massage coupon. Write it with a pencil on a piece of loose-leaf paper like a child and put it inside the card and when they open it just look at them and do a little dumb ass smile.
Get some oil, YouTube some techniques, wear something yum and dumb and go to work. OH SHIT. You can turn the living room into a little waiting room!! Put some bad magazines on the coffee table. Maybe give em’ a cold beer. And open the bedroom door and say something stupid like “Your masseuse will see you now.” Ya’ll will both laugh and it will just be so, so great.
Okay, I realize that those are a little ambitious, so here are two actual last minute gifts that they would actually enjoy.
5. Really good headphones
Some wireless, bluetooth earbuds for the gym or some sweeeeeeeet noise (your voice)-canceling headphones. Can’t go wrong with Bose.
I know we all try very hard to convince ourselves that we aren’t superficial, but sometimes we are. It’s okay. If someone says that all they want for Valentine’s Day is your undivided attention they are probably full of shit.
The key is not to project your idea of romance on them. Think about who they are and what they enjoy and cater to that. It’s not about you. If he childish, maybe build a dank ass fort with the couch cushions and pillows and do some nasty stuff in there. Sex is great. Forts are great. Sex in forts? Mhmm, ya.
All she wants you to do is show her how much you care. And you don’t necessarily have to spend a lot of money to do that. Just show that you put yourself through tremendous inconvenience to make her happy.
And all he wants is to be the mayor of titty city. So let him be the mayor of titty city.
Don’t be ashamed. I’ve extended my “Valentines Day Gift” phone reminder 67 times as well. Whatever the depth of love you choose to reveal, all the feels will be felt so long as it’s genuine.
Even if you’re not so great at showing it.
Godspeed my sweet child.