Photo: Patrick Tomasso
It wouldn’t take much digging to discover that 2017 was a pretty shit year for a lot of people. Whether it was massive hurricanes, sexual harassment allegations (and bad apologies), Pepsi ads or Logan Paul, you’d be hard-pressed to find a well-informed American who could describe 2017 without a little blood boiling.
That said, it was an overwhelmingly #blessed year for a particularly special group of people. You know who they are. That’s right, I’m talking about everyone you follow on Instagram. As a matter of fact, the only real inconvenience suffered among them this year was either an at-capacity Museum of Ice Cream or the Fyre Festival shit-show. If everything you knew about America was based on some random millennial’s Instagram you follow, you’d probably think every meal comes with an egg yolk and people literally walk around with birthday balloons tied to their asses so strangers will know how old they are. An unusual but beautiful country, indeed.
Besides chlamydia, there is one other thing everyone who went to the Fyre Festival has in common: Really, REALLY cringe-worthy Instagram captions. Listen, if you live a very wonderful life and have a ton of followers, you don’t need to try and reach with an attempt at a clever caption. That’s not your job. Just stay in your lane. Even if it’s the fast lane on the wrong side of the highway. However, if you can’t resist the evidently uncontrollable urge to decorate your picture with thoughtless poetry that only Longfellow Deeds could appreciate, please do us all a favor in 2018 and avoid the following:
1. “Just Living My Best Life”
2. “Can’t Take Them Anywhere” or “Partners in Crime” or “Not Ready For Us”
I promise you there is nothing remotely illegal about spending more time at Taco Bell than you did at the club. At no point in your night was prison a foreseeable consequence.
3. “When [insert name of amateur photographer with 2,700 followers] turns you into a model”
4. “Look Back At It”
5. “_____ Vibes” Or “_____ Goals”
6. Referring to anyone as your “Person”
7. “Winter in Miami”
8. “Woke Up Like This”
9. Staring out into the horizon with “Looking for fucks to give in 2018”
10. “Waiting for my food like…”
11. Picture with significant other: “____ with this guy” or “Think I’ll keep him” or “He’s alright, I guess”
12. Any kind of long “Happy Birthday” post to your friend
13. “Had to do it to ‘em”
Do what? You’re smiling in front of a tree you god damn nerd.
14. An F. Scott Fitzgerald quote on a selfie
You thought “For what it’s worth: It’s never too late to be whoever you want to be. I hope you live a life that you are proud of, and if you find that you’re not, I hope you have the strength to start over” was fitting for a boomerang of hot fudge oozing out of a chocolate lava cake?
Please do better. And if you can’t, hire me. Dm for details.